Change 15-20 years of male socialization in one workshop? Probably not. Engage men in a discussion about acquaintance rape and abuse leaving them inspired to prevent violence against women? Absolutely! For the two decades I've been figuring out how to do just that. I now have some of the answers. How can we expect male students to act and behave any differently then the hyper- masculine men they see in their homes, on television, in sports or music? I have found a way that enables them to change. Many men are eager to break out of narrow and limiting male sex roles. This highly interactive program offers men the opportunity to re-examine masculinity and to develop skills to prevent male violence.

Everyone knows that sexual violence is a big problem on campus. But many otherwise competent educators are nonplused when it comes to educating male students, faculty and staff about the complex issues relating to male violence. Frank and challenging, my program redefines sexually aggressive behavior as a "men's" issue and emphasizes personal responsibility and behavioral change. My goal is to inspire participants to challenge predominantly male norms that equate strength in men with dominance over women.

We must both inspire and help men to develop strategies and skills to prevent violence against women.

The curriculum features discussions about gender roles, homophobia, sexual harassment, alcohol and drugs, and sexual assault. Through a series of group exercises, scenarios and discussions, men are encouraged to explore and enact violence prevention strategies to gain a sense of empathy and peer support for confronting male violence. Many men are uncomfortable with their peers’ abusive behaviors and actions, but have no opportunity to learn peer based intervention skills.

We have all witnessed abuse against women but too often felt powerless or unable to do anything to intervene. This workshop provides a remedy by teaching simple, non-violent intervention skills. The program is experiential, rather than lecture-based, which increases students' attention and involvement. I utilize personal experiences as a catalyst for discussions on why certain forms of violence occur and we examine interventions that could be effective.

A compelling outcome of this program is the transformation of a focus on males as perpetrators of violence to one of re-defining their roles as allies and advocates. This shift in perspective greatly reduces participants' defensiveness and increases their involvement and ability to benefit from participation. Men respond enthusiastically when they assume the roles of being a leader, being an ally to women and doing the right thing.

I begin each "male only" workshop with experiential exercises designed to enhance empathy. I ask participants to think of a personally traumatic experience (I share one of mine) and to write a brief anonymous description on an index card. Then I ask the men to write a few key words relating to their emotions, how they felt during this time. And finally I ask them to write a few key words that describe what they wanted from others at the time, what kind of response would have helped or benefited them during or after the incident? I then collect the cards, read several, and develop feelings/wants/themes which are documented on large sheets of paper posted on the walls. Actual participants’ examples follow: (1)"My parents got divorced" Feelings; denial, confusion, Wants; someone to talk to"; (2) "Fraternity initiation" Feelings; confusion, weakness, anger, hatred, despair" Wants; "I wanted out! Someone to tell me it was over”; and (3) “My sister was raped when she was in high school” Feelings; Anger, denial, shock. Wants; To be able to support her, revenge on the assailant. Such experiences can involve several feelings, including powerlessness, betrayal, physical pain, fear of great physical harm and even death; as well as all the post-assault sequelae subsumed within the Rape Trauma Syndrome.

I then explain that the purpose of the exercise is to show that the traumatic experiences we've all had as boys or men, specifically the associated feelings and wants are no different then that of a rape survivor on their campus. Rape victims may feel denial, confusion, weakness, anger, hatred, despair and shock. A survivor of rape may also want support, someone to talk to, someone to tell them it is over -- even take revenge on their assailant.

I point out that we all remember traumatic incidents clearly, even after five, ten or even fifteen years. You can't say that about most events in our lives. For men who haven't thought about the trauma associated with acquaintance rape this exercise is often an eye opener. For men who feel like rape is not that big a problem, this exercise dispels that myth in a very personal way. One of my more powerful workshop empathy experiences came during a session in a large fraternity, many of the members were on a nationally-ranked football team. I read a confidential index card that described how a member had been raped at the age of seven by two older neighborhood boys. A stunned silence ensued after this anonymous disclosure, everyone was wondering which fraternity brother was a rape survivor and how this could happen to one of their brothers. This set a tone for important work for the duration of the workshop and quickly cut through latent cavalier attitudes. This workshop experience also revealed how

Rape education programs can include experiential exercises that draw parallels between our own personal traumatic experiences as males and those of sexual assault survivors in very powerful and life transforming ways.

My second prevention goal is to encourage men to confront sexually aggressive men and to teach skills for such interventions. This is explored through abusive scenarios that move on a continuum from date rape to gang rape. One specific situation is an ambiguous date rape situation. I break the large group into small groups of four or five men for the following scenarios. I begin with the following scene to the groups. They have been roommates with a guy for the past year. He has been talking about a certain women he is especially interested in for most of the year and he finally has a date that evening. He gets dressed up and even asks to use some of your cologne.

You wish him luck as he leaves for his date, you have to stay in and study for a mid-term test. About midnight that evening you are about ready to crash in your room when you hear him and his date come back to your place. You stay up a bit, eavesdropping on their conversation. You hear them mix a few drinks and talk. A little more time passes and it sounds like you hear her saying “No, No.” After a while you think you hear her crying. The next morning you’re a bit perplexed about that previous night and ask your roommate at the breakfast table how the date went? He smiles and says: “It went great!”

I ask them first what their reaction to the situation would be? What are they thinking, why would it be difficult to do or ask anything? It’s important to allow the men time to process their initial reactions, their hesitations and doubts. Secondly I zero in on what, if anything, they could do to intervene. How could they challenge, confront or speak up in a non-violent way? Breaking into smaller groups provides a greater sense of safety, allowing men to examine and express their feelings more openly and honestly. As a facilitator I solicit each group's ideas and document them in writing on a dry erase board. I validate the difficulty and necessity of men's involvement in such interventions. For example men candidly discuss the difficulty of confronting a roommate who may have sexually assaulted a date.

My intervention could ruin our relationship. Do I want to live with a rapist? This is peer education at its best. The men constantly come up with creative interventions because they are placed in the role of being an ally versus the old paradigm of being a perpetrator. It is encouraging that many guys say they would not wait until the following morning to do anything. Intervention examples include; Making some noise in their shared apartment so the women knows help could be available, knocking on their roommate’s door to borrow a book or CD. Some men would ask subtly probing questions of their roommate the next morning while other say they would try to find the woman and get her side of the story. They typically break their actions it into three different levels of prevention: primary, secondary and tertiary. They become aware that sexually aggressive behavior is condoned indirectly each time it is not challenged by individuals or groups. As men we have all been in these situations and many of us have felt uncomfortable or even helpless. These candid conversations offer men specific interventions skills to use in future situations.

The reality of the prevalence of acquaintance rape can create apprehension in women who are developing relationships with men. Part of the coercion functioning in acquaintance rape is a presumed shared level of trust. Trust is one of many unspoken feelings that underpin new relationships. We discuss how the development of unforced relationship is something many of us desire and toward which we should all strive. The likelihood of such relationships is drastically reduced by the reality of rape. Many survivors of attempted or completed rape will view all men as potential perpetrators. Although this unfairly stereotypes all men, it's a reality and indicative of the pandemic levels of male violence being committed against women on our nation’s campuses. One in three women worldwide will be raped, beaten or abused in her life. I remind them that the victim could be their girlfriend, sister, or even mother. This personalization shows one way rape affects all men while reinforcing the view that men's violence prevention is our business.

My next workshop exercise explores the impact of groups on individuals. We regard college-age men as being in a developmental stage in which one of their foremost tasks is to build a sense of identity. During this stage the impact of the peer group is strong. This has been especially evident in my work with fraternities and athletic teams. Because the group provides a primary sense of identity, the individual in male-only groups feels pressure to conform to the values, norms and mores of the group. Male peer groups can be a catalyst for unconscionable behavior such as gang rape. This is why men in fraternities and athletic teams are over- represented among gang rape perpetrators. It is not only that group members feel the need to "please" other males in the group, but equally importantly that they fear being rejected and ostracized if they do not personify being a “Real Man”. One specific goal, then, is to allow men the opportunity to see the power of groups to which they belong and to encourage them to evaluate the costs and benefits of conforming to the values and behaviors of the group. The negative peer dynamics (cavalier behavior, objectification of women, hyper masculine attitudes) within these groups can make facilitating rape education programs a challenge. But, on numerous occasions a participant has helped me bring the group back on track. I shall long remember the rowdy session with a football team when an huge offensive lineman stood up and yelled, "Everyone shut up and listen. This is important! I know--my girlfriend was raped!" One hundred football players silently turned to look at their huge team leader. This type of peer support for prevention efforts is more powerful than anything any trainer could say or do. Student leaders appear, including fraternity presidents, athletes and peer educators and are vocal in almost every program I facilitate.

Another technique I have found quite successful is to present a potential gang rape scenario to small groups of men, who take five to ten minutes to brainstorm possible interventions. These groups explore the impact that peer pressure has on individuals, the pressure to not challenge sexual aggression in others, and how that pressure conforms to gang rape. The scene describes one's being at a party [not your party], with a few friends. There are kegs of beer, loud music and everyone is drinking and having a good time. You notice four guys from the party house taking a woman upstairs who is obviously drunk. You hear one of the guy’s remark, "Time to get laid!"

I pose two questions to the small groups. First, why would it be difficult to do anything in this situation? I give men the time to discuss the obvious challenges. Secondly I ask them what if anything could they do to intervene using their intellect versus brawn? Once again the intervention ideas these men come up with consistently inspire and amaze me as I document them on large sheets of paper. Student developed interventions in this scenario have included; pulling a fire alarm, pulling the plug on the loud music and pointing out the group to the entire party, or approaching the group and asking where they are going with your sister or the football coach’s daughter (even if she is neither). Some men would even tell the group the woman has a sexually transmitted infection as a last ditch intervention. I can see and hear the pride and excitement in these men as they share their clever intervention ideas.

Most men want to do the right thing! Unfortunately opportunities to develop these prevention skills are rare.

(Note: I always leave these peer developed interventions up on the dry erase board after the programs conclusion, to affirm their creativity and commitment to stopping male violence) I believe men remember and use these intervention during their lives because they voluntarily developed them among their peers and friends.

A part of my work as a facilitator is to model beliefs and values that do not support dominance or aggression. This modeling is enhanced through my background as a hockey player and as a former collegiate athlete. I display a lack of shame from being seen as different from traditional ideas about masculinity--while acknowledging the difficulty of being ostracized if labeled as “different". I also try to eschew attitudes that are judgmental or condescending. As mentioned earlier "unlearning" 15-20 years of ideas about male gender roles is an ongoing process. As long as participants are earnestly working through the process with me, I support and encourage their efforts.

Humorous moments occur occasionally and help to serve as "icebreakers." As I began to acquaintance rape workshop with one fraternity, a member stated, "I don't know if you noticed, but we're not the best-looking house. Many of us can't even get a date." Immediately another member piped in, "Speak for yourself." We all had to laugh, which helped cut the tension before a successful workshop.

I also point out that the most important decisions they make will have to be made on their own. For example, let's say they are at a party or a club and see a woman who is drunk or obviously messed up. Perhaps her drink has been spiked with a "Date-Rape' drug like Ketamine, GHB or Rohyponol. But it doesn’t have to be a spiked drink since we all know the top date rape drug has been and continues to be alcohol. Anyway, in such a situation I think as men we have three choices:

1) We could ignore that person
2) We could exploit that person
3) We could help that person

I ask the young men I work with, “What's your choice?”

I also discuss that some guy's who say they are against rape would also say it's OK under certain circumstances to use force to obtain sex.

Force is the difference between rape and romance.

We examine three of the top so called "deserving rape victim" characteristics that are embraced by some guys and even women in our culture. And they are:

1) If she has been drinking or using drugs she is considered to be a “More deserving rape victim”.
2) If she is dressed in a way that we as men consider to be sexy or promiscuous. 3) If we think she is sexually active or has had multiple sex partners.

The workshop concludes with three proactive approaches men can take to prevent sexual aggression: First, I ask them to educate themselves. I compliment them on having taken the first step, on being a select group who has already taken the time to receive crucial information which they can share with other men. In a group of fifty men I point out that they all know at least ten other men on campus, that’s five hundred men. I ask them to continue these conversations outside of this workshop. Secondly, I encourage them to examine their own beliefs and behaviors. Although men say they are against rape, many also say it's "OK" to use force (which I remind them is the difference between rape and romance) to obtain sex under certain situations. Men often attempt to rationalize their sexual violence with comments such as "She was drunk," "I felt like I was led on," "We had sex before." or "She was dressed provocatively".

I conclude each workshop by urging the men to take an active stance against sexual violence by using the workshop's intervention techniques, which they developed. I stress the truism that the assault you prevent could be an assault against someone close to you.

There you have it--the outline of a rape prevention program that has been successfully implemented in scores of colleges and universities. Someone has to lead the charge. Are the educators and administrators in higher education up to the challenge? If not we, who?

Todd pioneered men's violence prevention (MVP) programs at The Evergreen State College, University of Illinois and Eastern Washington University.